Be true to yourself.

Be True To Yourself.

This one sentence can be life changing. What do you mean by being true to yourself? We all have natural conscience, or sense of right or wrong. This conscience guides our behaviour. Many a times, religious beliefs, society norms, peers & contemporaries influence one’s ability to be conscientious. In such case, we fail to differentiate good from bad.

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So, how to be back to being ourselves? How to be true to ourselves? First thing we need to do is challenge our current belief system. By doing this, our mind will learn to question why we are doing what we are doing. Secondly, we should learn to be assertive. We should be able to put forth our opinion politely but firmly. There is no power in aggression. Real power lies in assertiveness. Third & most important thing, we should follow our hearts. Our inner system keeps sending us signals as to what is right & what is wrong. But, by practice, we manage to quiet that inner voice & eventually we no longer hear it. We should let our inner voice, our heart guide us in every moment.

What will one achieve by being true to oneself? One basic yet very very important thing – peace of mind. You will no longer need other’s approval. You will feel comfortable & confident in your own skin. You will no longer need to lie, act or be fake. You will take full responsibility of your life, make better decisions, choices & in turn, a better life.

My Thoughts, My Life

Thoughts. The one thing that keeps happening inside our mind continuously. We think around 50000-70000 thousand thoughts a day, many of which are repetitive.

Scene 1

Leena was standing at railway station waiting for the local train to come. She looked at the watch & said, “The train is not coming, I am going to be late.” The train came late & she reached her destination late. Then she said to herself, “I was sure this was going to happen.”

Scene 2

Radha was standing in the ATM queue thinking, “The cash in the ATM machine should not get over before my number comes.” She went inside the ATM, put the card in the machine, entered the pin & the saw message on the screen ‘No cash’. Radha said to herself, “I knew this was going to happen.”

Scene 3

Akash was going for an important meeting & it was raining heavily. He thought while getting into the car, “Looks like the rain is not going to stop soon. There will be traffic on the road.” Soon, he found himself stuck in traffic jam. He said to himself. “I thought this will happen.”

We all must have encountered such incidences & used such phrases many a times in our lives. So, is it a mere coincidence that our thoughts & experiences are same? NO. This happens because our thoughts create our life. What we think results in how we feel & what we think also shapes the events in our lives. Our thoughts affect out behaviour, attitude, actions, people around us & our entire life.

YES. OUR THOUGHTS CREATE OUR REALITY. Each thought we have creates an energy flow within & around us. This energy attracts its likeness.

If I think I am going to be late, it is manifested & I get late. If I think my life is boring, I get evidences to prove my thoughts. If I think I will forget everything I studied for exam, I will get blank when I see even an easy question in exam. If I think I am unwell, more illness will come my way.

BUT….. If I think I am going to pass my exams with flying colours, I will remember & write all that I have studied. If I think I am blessed to have a happy life, I will get more reasons to be happy. If I think I am going to be at the meeting on time, I will manage to do so.

How to create the reality I want/wish/expect/desire?

• Move your focus from what you don’t want to what you want. We should be very clear about what we want. ‘I don’t want to be late’ can be thought in a better way as ‘I want to reach in time’.
• Feelings are indication of quality of thoughts. Good thoughts = Good feelings. Bad thoughts = Bad feelings. Thoughts of fear, hurt, revenge, worthlessness, guilt lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, negativity. Thoughts of success, hope, courage lead to feelings of happiness, kindness, confidence, gratitude.
• Challenge your negative thoughts. If you call yourself incompetent, look for incidences that prove you to be competent. Work on your beliefs related to this.
• Monitor your thoughts, learn to actively take control of them. Learn to think thoughts that are positive.
• Learn stress management techniques. Unmanaged stress often leads to negative thoughts. Learning & using different relaxation techniques, exercising, practicing yoga & meditation can be helpful in keeping the mind calm & positive.
• Learn to be grateful for what you have. Gratitude is one thing that works towards overall well-being of a person.

One of my favourite quote by Henry Ford to conclude ‘He who thinks he can and he who thinks he can’t, are both correct’.

In search of happiness....

Happiness! A word that can create hope & hopelessness in you depending on your state of mind.

I remember a beautiful explanation by Sister Shivani in this context.

A man says to himself, “I will be happy when I buy a new luxury car.” He buys one, sits in the car observing classic interiors, feeling comfort of cushioned seats, smiling in the cool breeze of air-conditioner, and thinks, “Wow. That is real happiness. I am a happy man now.” After a few moments, he receives a call from a relative telling about some bad incident happened in family. The same man, sitting in the same comfortable car, is not happy anymore.

Was it the car that gave him happiness? If it was the car, then he should have been able to be happy even after hearing the bad news. Does that mean his thoughts of being happy after getting the car was false? YES!

Today, we have started to buy happiness….our list never ends….and happiness never comes.

Material things can make us comfortable & help us be more productive. But they can’t give us happiness.

So, what is it that can make me happy? My inner self. My decision to stay happy irrespective of circumstances. My thoughts to be peaceful.

Happiness is not a series of joyful events. It’s the sense of peace & contentedness. Happiness is a combination of how satisfied you are with your life & how you feel on a day-to-day basis.

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You have the ability to control how you feel & with consistent practice, you can form life-long habits for a more satisfying & fulfilling life.
Here are some tips on enhancing this ability :

1. Enjoy this moment. Be mindful & notice good things around you, try to make the pleasurable experience last for as long as possible.
2. Be grateful. Appreciating what we have is the key to happiness. It fills us with optimism & self-confidence. Practice of gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25%.
3. Have a goal/dream. Setting goals & believing that they are achievable promotes optimism & happiness. Having a sense of purpose & creating meaning in life contributes to happiness of a person.
4. Give. It is said that by giving, the giver, not the receiver reaps even more benefits.
5. Be compassionate. Being compassionate makes us less judgmental, less frustrated, and more patient. We listen to others, our relationships improve. It increases a sense of well-being & happiness.

In words of the Dalai Lama, happiness is not something ready made, it comes from your actions. Choose happiness today.

Active Listening

Listening is different than hearing. It is the ability to accurately receive & interpret messages in communication process.

How do we listen every day?

Scene 1 :

Rakhi is cooking food for dinner. Her son comes to her & says, “Mummy, you know what happened today in school?” He gets no reply from his mother. After pausing for a few moments he again tries to communicate, “Mummy, listen to me na.” Rakhi says annoyingly, “Speak up. I am listening.” Her son utters a few lines & leaves disappointed.

Scene 2 :

Shilpa is sitting in college canteen chatting with her boyfriend on mobile. Her friend Rekha comes to her in bad mood. Rekha wants to share her problem with Shilpa. Rekha says, “I am in too much of stress.” Shilpa nods without even looking at her. Suddenly Shilpa starts laughing at something shared by her boyfriend on mobile chat. Rekha feels humiliated & ignored & leaves the place.

Do these scenes look familiar? Do we too communicate this way? YES. Many times.

So, what can we do not to repeat such mistakes & be a good listener?

•  Stop talking when somebody else is talking, don’t interrupt/ talk over them/ finish their sentences for them.
• Focus on speaker, avoid distractions.
• Look & act interested.
• Help speaker feel free to speak, encourage by nodding & other gestures.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Listen to tone & volume to understand emphasis of what is being said.
• Listen for ideas, not just words.
• Watch non-verbal communication – gestures, facial expressions, body language.
• Provide feedback, paraphrase, clarify points, summarize.
• If you are really busy with some important work, tell it honestly & politely to the other person.
• Assert your opinions respectfully.

Effective listening requires concentration and use of other senses too - not just hearing the words spoken. It is a skill that is required for positive human relationships. Let’s spend some time thinking about & developing good listening skills.

Are You Listening?

Listening is a skill, it is an art. It is an important part of good communication. How good are you at listening? The quiz below enables you to quickly compare your own listening behaviours with behaviours normally thought to be associated with exceptionally good listening skills.

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Listening Skills Quiz 
Indicate your response using the following scale:
4 = always 3 = most of the time 2 = some of the time 1 = rarely

1. I remind myself that listening is an opportunity to learn something.
2. I pay attention even when the subject doesn’t interest me.
3. I listen even if I disagree with the speaker.
4. I focus on the speaker’s ideas and not on their appearance or mannerisms.
5. I try to understand the speaker’s feelings as well their words.
6. I wait for the speaker to finish before forming an opinion.
7. I make sure I understand the speaker’s point of view before responding.
8. I show I am engaged by maintaining eye contact, nodding and leaning forward.
9. I am relaxed, calm and patient when listening.
10. I do not interrupt the speaker.
11. I take notes if I must remember the points being made.
12. I take time to reflect on the speaker’s main ideas.
13. I ask non-threatening questions to ensure I understand.
14. I often paraphrase what I hear to be sure I have heard correctly.
15. I do not allow distractions to divert my attention.

Listening Skills Quiz Scoring

50 - 60 Excellent! You have exceptional listening skills.

40 - 49 Above Average, but you could improve your skills.

30 - 39 Your score is promising, but you could greatly improve.

15 – 29 You need to pay serious attention to improving your listening skills.

Next obvious step is improving your listening skills. More on it in my next blog post.

Do I know myself?

“Do I know me?” The thought that immediately comes to my mind is, “I obviously know myself. Big deal?” But after introspecting for a moment, next thought comes, “Do I really know myself?”

Clear knowledge of my personality can be called Self-Awareness. It is accurate understanding of my abilities & preferences. It includes knowing my strong points, where I lack, my thoughts, beliefs, emotions, behaviours. It’s also the understanding of my needs, desires, failing, habits.

Now, the next question that arises in my mind is, “Why? What’s the use of it?” Before trying to find the answer to this question, let’s try to answer a much simpler question. What do I do when I have to find directions to some place on Google Maps? I update/ make visible my current location. Getting any hint??? Self-awareness is updating my current location before finding directions to my destination. Without knowing where I am standing, I can’t choose the direction towards my dream/goal.

So, what can I do to be more self-aware?

Learn to look at yourself objectively. Write down a description about yourself. Think about the stories you like to share about your past. These stories convey information about your traits that you think are your strengths.

Keep a journal of your feelings. Write down how you feel. Learn to pay close attention to your inner world – what you are feeling, what you are saying to yourself, how you are behaving.

Assess your self-talk. Pay attention to what you are talking to yourself. Take a couple of minutes each day to listen to your thoughts. Learn to replace demoralizing, negative talk with motivating positive talk.

Gain different perspectives. Ask for feedback from those around you. As you learn more about yourself & others, you will be able to differentiate between biased or dishonest feedback & real, genuine, balanced feedback.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is the quality or state of being aware of something. It is paying attention to present moment, to your inner state as it arises. Mindfulness can be practiced anytime, through mindful listening, mindful eating, mindful talking.

To sum up importance of self-awareness in one line, ‘In order to achieve Self-improvement, one must be self-aware first’.